Honouring Terrific and Terrible (and Everyone in between) Fathers on Father’s (and other) Days

Some of you have great Dads. Some of you definitely do not — they abandoned and/or abused you. How can the singular biblical command “Honour your Father….” (Exod. 20:12; Deut 5:6) apply to all of us? Below are nine short points which will, hopefully, help you.

By the way, I know that the command is to “honour your father and your mother.” However, I was asked to write a blog for Father’s Day, so I will only refer to fathers in this blog. What I say applies equally to honouring fathers and mothers.

First, many evangelical churches and ministries need to repent. We have often, far too often, talked in church as if everyone had a terrific Dad. Our advice and exhortations naively assume this. This has the unintended consequence of creating needless guilt and putting heavy loads on people whose fathers were terrible.

The call to repent also applies to churches and pastors who become aware of how much some in the congregation have suffered under terrible fathers and react by going to the opposite extreme. We become silent on Father’s Day, and all other times of the year. Worse, sometimes churches like this will talk as if there are mainly bad fathers! If the first mistake is to close your eyes and ears to those in our midst who have suffered under terrible fathers and therefore give poor teaching, the “reactive” mistake is to close our mouths on the subject at all, acting as if there is no command in the Bible about honouring Fathers, and thereby depriving the church of any teaching on the command to honour fathers.

Ignoring a biblical command does not make it go away or become irrelevant. It just impoverishes preachers and hearers alike.

Second, being a father is an inherent honour. You are to honour your father because, in a sense, to adapt a phrase about marriage from the Book of Common Prayer 1662, “fatherhood is an honourable estate instituted by God in the time of man's innocency” and therefore inherently worthy of being honoured. If you read Genesis 1 and 2, you will see that the Triune God created human beings male and female with the intent that a man and a woman would marry and have children. Becoming and being a father to your children was a key aspect of God’s creational intent. The fall, recorded in Genesis 3, means that every aspect of your experience is touched, in small and large ways, by sin. However, while sin affected every father, it did not remove the inherent honour of being a dad. This is woven into the created order.

Okay, how shall we then live? How do we honour great dads and terrible dads and every dad in between? How do we honour dads in this “already/not yet” time between the resurrection of Jesus and His return? My remaining points will address this.

Third, the call to honour your father is a call to a certain posture that leads to wise and beautiful action. The Bible was written in a particular time and place. But in the providence of God, it was written for every people group in every time and place until Jesus returns. Part of the Bible’s deep wisdom is seen in this command to honour your Father. The command is both clear yet flexible, dynamic, and allows for cultural context. It does not say “so therefore give him a card and a gift.” This command would be impossible for most people throughout history! In an ancestor worshipping culture, this command will reign in your honouring. In individualistic cultures, like mainstream Canada, it will challenge your individualism to take honouring seriously.

What the command is calling you to is a posture — not empty posturing — but a posture that will act in a way that is wise and beautiful. That posture will include recognising that being a dad is inherently honourable and that fathers should be recognised with gratitude and praise.

Fourth, when it comes to honouring your dad, think “dimmer switch” not “all or nothing.” Think about it. The biblical command to honour your dad cannot be a licence for dads to be horrible knowing that their Christian children have to suck it up and honour them. You are called to honour your dad. But the type of dad your dad is shapes the ways and the extent that you honour him. A father has a wide range of biblical commands as to how he is to live in general, and in particular, how he is to live as a dad. These commands matter to both the father and the child. For a very horrible father, the shape of honouring him might be to be silent (rather than insulting and deriding him) and to work on forgiving him. For the great dad — well, honour him!

Fifth, the dad does not get to control how the honour is shown. The command to honour is given to children. Each person, because you cannot be a person without having a father, will be accountable to the triune God as to how they live out the commandment. Your dad might think he can dictate how he is honoured, but he is very mistaken. He cannot take the place that only God has. You honour your father (and fatherhood) in obedience to the Triune God and because it is right.

Sixth, remember that you are fallen too and can be in serious error about your history with your dad. I am not saying that if you think your dad was horrible that you are wrong. I do not know! But I do know my own heart, and I know the Bible. It is important that we heed the Bible when it warns, “In their own eyes they flatter themselves too much to detect or hate their sin.” (Psalm 36:2, NIV) So, a humble, prayerful, scripture soaked examination of your past might lead you to a new and better understanding of what happened between you and your dad. You might be at fault for some of the trouble that happened between you.

Seventh, it is very important to know that you need to process honouring a complicated or horrible dad in the context of your local church. The local church is not a frivolous “accessory” to your walk with Jesus and your reading of His word written. The fact is that lots of stuff in the Bible is hard to understand and live. The local church is a “design feature” from the Lord. Whether it is in conversation with your pastor, small group, mentor, or close church friends, you and I need to have people we can talk and pray and laugh and cry and read the Bible with so we will live a life that honours God and is good for you.

Eighth, repentance and new life is always possible in Christ! I am speaking in particular to those dads who are reading this who have made a massive mess as dads. Your kids have disowned you and made sure you cannot find them. Your marriage has ended. Maybe it is not as bad as that, but it is bad. The Bible does not promise that if you repent and amend your life that your relationships will be restored. It does promise that if you repent, believe in Christ as your Saviour and Lord, He will receive you and “regenerate” you — in other words, you will be born again to a living hope. In the context of a good local church, you can begin to amend your life as you grow in godliness. You might be able to make amends. If your children are forever separated from you, even there, the Lord can use the wreck of your former life in some new and different way in His kingdom. I urge you, there is no better time than now to turn to Him! (See Romans 8!)

Ninth, dad, pray the Bible over your own life (and the men you know)! Here is a great scripture to turn into a prayer. “Be watchful, stand firm, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.” 1 Corinthians 16:13-14.

George Sinclair is the Rector of Church of the Messiah in the heart of urban Ottawa. He was the Chair of Essentials Canada and founding Chair of his denomination (ANiC). He currently serves as the Chair of the ANiC task force to make ANiC more deeply biblical at every level. He is the Principal of Ryle Seminary. He is blessed to have been married to Louise since 1981 and they have 9 children and lots of sons and daughters-in-law and grandchildren. George is an original Council Member for TGC Canada.